Mourning is forever... and that's okay.

 Grandpa Guan and Phil. Rest in peace, my beloved grand-daddy. 

Grandpa Guan and Phil. Rest in peace, my beloved grand-daddy. 

As a child, two of my role models were my grandfathers. Both are now no longer here in this world. They've shared so many words of wisdom with me and it's unfortunate for Phil to not have them in his life. 

Grandpa Guan passed away last year on October 6th peacefully in his home. In the months leading to his death, he had suffered. For two years, he battled prostate cancer that eventually metastasized to his bones. He had always been chubby and jolly like Santa. Before he died, he was skin and bones. 

Almost half a year after his death, I mourn his loss and every time I see a picture of him, I cry. (I'm crying as I write this post.) I remember his voice, his strength, his spirit, and his fight for life. He held on to every breath and even as he suffered, he laughed and smiled when he saw Phil and me. Phil pinched Grandpa once. It hurt but Grandpa laughed it off.

I thought that I'd be strong as an adult and a mommy, but now I know that mourning will last and can last forever. And it's okay. Mourning helps me cope. Crying helps me heal. Someone I've loved all my life, and had loved me so unconditionally, is no longer here. Is he in a better place? I'm not sure. Grandpa didn't believe in God or heaven. 

I replay memories of our times together and only wish that I had spent more time with him and made the extra effort to visit him more often. Missing him... that keeps him alive in a sense. He's in my dreams. When I wake up, that's when it hurts the most because then I remember that he's no longer here. 

As Phil grows up, I will be sure to let him know all about my wonderful grandpa. I'm so happy to have great pictures to share with my son. Grandpa's smiles were always the brightest when Phil was around. 

 One of the last times that grandpa was able to eat at a restaurant with his entire  family.

One of the last times that grandpa was able to eat at a restaurant with his entire  family.

Time flies by so quickly. We must always treasure the present, the moments, the people we love. Before we know it, we will only have pictures and memories.

Love you and miss you so much, Grandpa. Rest in peace.